About reuniting with my sister... help?
Be warned: what follows is the long story, as I think it's pertinent to what I'm asking, so either get comfortable or hit "Back"...
When I was born, I had two siblings, a sister and brother, neither born to the same two parents as myself (we shared the same mother). I'm a bit hazy on this part, but my sister was adopted into another family while my brother and I remained with mom and dad; don't ask why, if my family answered all I wouldn't be on YA asking.
Anyway, my mom passed away from leukemia when I was 2 and after that I never really saw my sister again (except briefly in 3rd or 4th grade, she was at my school for some reason or other, and my family discouraged that contact) and up til recently, I'd never really even thought of her as my sister; she was the "half"-sister that everyone seemed to have forgotten, I had two brothers (my dad remarried before he died) and that was it.
I was young enough when the family split to grow up thinking that way, not ever really knowing her, but my older brother obviously knew her well and kept in touch with her. Now, recently, she added me on Facebook through my bro having both of us as his friends, and has me listed as her brother.
I've sort of ignored her online (I'm hardly ever on Facebook anyway, not my thing) but it got me thinking: legal adoption aside, she's as much my family as either of my brothers, and there's no reason why a decision my parents made a long time ago, for reasons that I don't know much less understand, should keep me from knowing her, and having her as my sister.
Here's the catch(es): One, it's been 17 years since I've had any sort of meaningful contact with her, if you don't count the instance at school, and I truly don't remember her at all. Two, I have no idea how to handle a reunion (union?) sort of occasion; from what I understand from both my brother and her Facebook/Myspace blogs, she's had an extremely hard time growing up with her family and struggles with depression. While I can relate to being depressed, I don't know how I'll go about relating to her when we come from such different backgrounds, despite coming from, more or less, the same place.
I WANT to get to know her, I really do, but I'm at a total loss as to how to proceed. Do I just up and dive into it, back-and-forth with her online as if nothing's happened, do I set up something to meet her in person...? I don't want to hurt her in any way, I don't want to get hurt... I'm confused. Maybe I'm overreacting and/or not thinking clearly but... yeah. It's overwhelming for me.
Now that I've written (and I assume you've read) nearly a page, here's the question: What should I do now?
- Inundated in SF
She's your blood and you ought to at least establish some connection with her--if for no other reason then that someday you may need her or she may need you since you are closely related (organ transplants, blood transfusions, hereditary gene connections, etc.). If she hasn't attempted to contact you yet, she probably is as hesitant about this as you are. Since you can (I assume) email her through Facebook, just send her a short note saying hi, I'm your long lost brother, what are you up to these days? I remember you were at my school at some point when we were kids but I lost track of you. Just write a lot of what you said in your question. If you guys start a real dialogue, you may be able to ask her what the whole deal was about her going to live somewhere else, etc. Maybe she can clear up that mystery. And part of her depression may be about all that--why she couldn't stay with the family when all the boys did, maybe it'll help her to know you and your brother don't think of her as an outcast or pariah, that you'd like to come to feel like she's part of your family, etc. You don't have to say all this at the beginning. First make first contact, then slowly ask about her life, tell her a little about yours, just let her know you still think of her as your sister and love her for that. And once you know she also wants to find out about you, her brother, and wants to stay connected, then you both can explore what might have gone on with your various parents and all that mess. And if this relationship begins to become too heavy or disturbing for either of you, you can (very nicely) explain that you need a little distance and time to get used to having a real sister. You know, maybe you can back off a little to give both of you a little more breathing space to get used to the idea and try to learn to live with each other. You may never want to have a tearful family reunion, but maybe with time and friendship you might want to see each other once in a while, have lunch or something.
- BUBBA
what guy above me said my mom has 2 brothers who were lost taken away by foster care she waited to long to talk to them and now they never talk. also u said shes depressed she may want to talk to u but is self conscious my mom has depression and she always thinks the worst out of every situation u should not give up the chance to reunite with her ur still family.
- joan85032
Hi, write her on facebook, tell her you think you should talk. See if she can have a casual lunch somewhere. Just get to know her as a friend. Go slow., and she can share (maybe she will) and you can share pictures, and stories, or pick it up now. Just go slow, or see how it goes. Anytime we deal with people, its a risk. It could be good for all of you. Maybe include the rest of the families, brother and your families, at times. It could be a nice feeling having her in your life again. It doesn t have to be daily.
Leukemia — Comprehensive overview covers symptoms, causes, risk factors, treatment of this blood-related cancer.
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