help edit and shorten my essay? Thanks! (10 points!)?
I have to shorten this by omitting at least 100 words. Help and comment please? Thanks!
This is the prompt...
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or high school record.
My response....
Motivation and curiosity are distinct traits that personify me. I live life breathing the smell of constraints and tasting the sweat of willpower. Although, having a history of restraints hinder my growth, but in succession of the adversities, I was intrinsically molded into a strong woman. Ultimately, walls are shattered letting my individuality and values shine through.
I remember that day, back when I was in fifth grade, two weeks before Christmas. That day was when my mother was diagnosed with AML-Leukemia. That day was when walls enclosed me, surrounded me to the point of no escape. From that point on, I felt lost and unable to cope. It was as if I fell into the darkness of an abyss. Thus, I struggled in school to the state of failing a majority of my classes.
Ten month after countless blood transfusions and chemotherapy, my mother became cancer-free! Internally I felt uplifted. It was the moment of self-rebirth. From this tragic experience, I developed a passion to help people. I grew a deep curiosity in the field of science. The production of medicine in the molecular level amazes me. I am curious of how the instance of the patient taking a pea-sized drug can have a profound effect on the body. I truly believe that at Penn State University, the staff will help guide me on the path of medicine. Most essentially, I will be able to progress both socially and academically.
- Adam
Phew...this one was a bit tough. The above is at 241 and I got you down to about 156. I hope this is helpful. Hey I'm glad your mom recovered too. Nice essay.
Motivation and curiosity are traits which personify me. I live life breathing the smell of constraint and tasting the sweat of willpower. Through perseverance, I have been molded into a strong woman and ultimately, my values and individuality shine through.
I remember fifth grade year, at Christmas my mother was diagnosed with AML-Leukemia. That day the walls of life surrounded me and I felt lost, unable to cope. I slipped into an abyss of struggle and difficulty. My schoolwork suffered and I failed a majority of my classes.
After countless blood transfusions and chemotherapy, my mother became cancer-free! It was at that moment that I developed my passion; a deep interest in science. The production of medicine at the molecular level amazes me. I thirst to learn and understand how a pill can have profound effects on the body. I believe that Penn State University staff will guide me as I progress both socially and academically.
Leukemia — Comprehensive overview covers symptoms, causes, risk factors, treatment of this blood-related cancer.
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