Why do I always want something to be wrong with me? :/?
hi, id like to start off with that im fifteen years old. ever since I was little, maybe eight or nine, I can remember wanting to break my arm or wrist. I wanted to so badly, id intentionally try to hurt myself. after multiple xrays, that never happened. ive always remembered wanting SOMETHING to be wrong. whether it was a broken arm to faking not being able to see to get glasses. in the past year or so, that desire to want something wrong has really started to show. it started off when I was sick with a bad viral infection. I didnt know what was wrong, so I started looking up my symptoms. I came across the cancer, leukemia. from that point on, I was convinced I had it, and id pray to get it. I got a blood test done, and the few days before I got the results, I wished my heart out for the test results to come out showing some type of cancer. when the results came back showing my viral infection, I cried. I wanted cancer so bad, and I would do anything to get it. after that, I decided, hm, my lymph nodes on my neck seem huge, I must have lymphoma. I looked up as much as I could about it and I wanted that. then I thought I had rhabdomyosarcoma. then myeloma. etc. I desired that, and id do anything to have cancer. I know I really dont want cancer though, I dont know whats wrong with me.. then I came across multiple autoimmune diseases. id sit there and look up every possible rare disease or sickness, and id want to get it. then, I wanted to have a mental illness, such as OCD. for weeks, I looked up symptoms and recognition of OCD. although I think I am partially OCD, I was convinced I had it. then along came anxiety, depression, schitzo, ADD/ADHD, etc. I wanted these mental illnesses, I wanted to see a therapist and take drugs to help me. later, I was convinced I had long qt syndrome or some other heart problem. then most recently, I want diabetes. I dont know why, I just stumbled across it and now im looking it up 24/7, and I decided that I WANT to develop diabetes. I dont know whats wrong with me.. I know I truly dont want this happening to me, somethings wrong.. ive heard about munschensen or whatever its called, but I dont know if thats what I have or not. then when I think that I do have a disease, I say to myself, nah, its just munchensen controlling your mind. I also have extensive medical knowledge of things I shouldnt know as a highschooler, or a person for that matter. I look up every possible thing that could be wrong, and I fit it to me and start wanting it to be wrong with me. I feel a constant desire for something to be wrong. please help me..
I also feel as if I worry too much about little things, or I over think things most people wouldnt. please dont call me crazy, I just need help, im bottling this up inside me and I havent told anyone :/
I always WANT something bad to happen to me. like, for example, a car crash. id picture that happen to me, and somehow want that to happen. or I picture myself living with cancer. a bald head, iv's attached to my arms, getting chemo, throwing up, and ive even pictured myself dying from it, and what my funeral would be like, every detail.. but I dont want this to actually happen..
yea, ive intentionally tried to make myself sick. ive tried to make injuries worse, ive tried to get myself more sick than i already was..
and I dont just want attention :/ my family life is fine, married parents, a younger brother, im a good student, many friends.. I just have another side of me that no ones sees..
- Kate
Do you know WHY you have always wanted something to be wrong with you? Is it because you want people to pay attention to you because you have a disease? Or is it because you want to feel special because you have an illness? The reason is important.
People who have Munchhausen syndrome don't just want to be sick, they MAKE themselves sick. It's more than just faking the illness, they will intentionally do serious harm to themselves to get 'sick' and get attention from medical professionals. They will throw themselves down to the ground to break a bone, poison themselves intentionally to become sick, induce vomiting, etc. They do this because they want attention from medical professionals, not just want but have a pathological need for.
Munchhausen's is different from simply wanting attention, though. Munchhausen's is taking that desire for attention to the utmost extreme, which you don't sound like you're doing. You may just want attention and acknowledgment because you aren't getting it elsewhere, like from your parents, teachers, friends, etc. Does the idea of having an illness make you think you will feel special or different? Is it because having some kind of serious or chronic disease will set you apart and give you a unique feature that you do not currently have?
There are things about you that make you special and unique that have nothing to do with being ill. Anyone who has a chronic, serious illness will tell you that it does not make them feel special or important, and they do not want or enjoy all the attention they're getting from doctors. I spent 8 months in the doctor's office or hospital literally every other week at least, getting vial after vial of blood drawn, being subjected to virtually every test under the sun - CT scans, x-rays, sonograms, heart tests, skin tests, had tubes with cameras on them snaked throughout my digestive system... it was horrible. It felt endless, and I thought they would never figure out what was wrong with me. Specialist after specialist, test after test.
It did not feel special. It felt awful. You cannot imagine my joy and relief when we finally figured out what was wrong with me and I was able to finally be well again. You cannot appreciate your health until you are without it for such an extended period of time. If you ever had to go through what I went through, or what people with serious diseases like cancer have to go through, you would feel so ashamed of yourself for even thinking that you would want an illness like that.
I think you should force yourself to stop looking up diseases, and instead focus on your own special qualities that make you unique and interesting. If you don't think you have any, then develop some. Pick up a hobby, practice a talent like playing an instrument or painting or writing poetry. Give yourself something to do, a skill, so that when you think about who you are and how you define yourself, you can say, "I'm _____, and I play the guitar really well" instead of "I'm _____ and I wish I had diabetes so that people would pay attention to me." Develop skills and hobbies, and you will get attention for the right reasons.
Good luck!
- Mario
are you depressed? wait, probably not, since u had this since u were 8
i found this article about someone who might have a problem like yours:
http://www.queendom.com/advices/advice.htm?advice=223
try writing a fictional story about a girl like you having bad thigns done to her
maybe it could release your thoughts on the whole subject and can let your mind have an outlet for it
cuz lots of ppl would say that you're seeking attention, but i don't think so, i think u just have so much stuff stored inside of u, that it's waiting to explode, so try releasing anxiety or bad thoughts onto a video or writing them down, maybe thatll help
i'm 17, so we're only a couple years apart, so i can kidna relate to you, cuz me too, sometimes i think about bad things happening to me, it aint fun, but, it happens
- KellyM
Kate has a really good answer! I would just like to add that I lost my father to cancer two years ago. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in August and by October 1st, he was gone. I took him to chemo treatment, fed him through a feeding tube that was inserted into his stomach, watched him lose the ability to do anything on his own and finally watched him die in a hospice after listening to a horrible "death rattle" for hours. Cancer is nothing to wish for. I understand that you really do not want the cancer itself, but something is driving you to want to be in such a helpless state, that you dare to wish for a terminal illness. You went into great detail about wanting to be sick, but did not tell us how your family life is. Are you happy? Do you have problems at home? Do you get enough attention from your parents? I wonder if something is going on that makes you want an illness that would cause you to need support from others.
At any rate, you can rest assured that you do indeed have something wrong with you...you have a victim mentality and need to talk to a psychologist. There HAS to be a reason that you feel this way. I believe that you can overcome this and live a happy, healthy life that does not include reading about various illnesses. You really need to channel all your energy into something positive. You are young and should not be burdened with these horrible thoughts. I wish you the best of luck and pray that you get the help you need.
- Brenda
I can't help but wonder if you got enough attention when you where growing up.Or maybe not the right kind of attention.I can relate to some of your thinking.There is a medical term for the symptoms
and always thinking you are really sick when you are as healthy as a horse.Hypochondriac- that's
a very long word!Probably seeing a specialist would help you a lot.All these thoughts are mental
anguish and a lot of mental baggage to be carrying around.I too have what I call morbid thoughts.
Kind of like fantasizing bad thoughts.So far I can break free and replace with those with happier
thinking.BTW there is medication you can take if it ever gets to be too much on you.Sometimes
being able to say and hear (kind of like running your head until it clears)helps.I'm not a professional
so I only know you need to be able to say all this to someone 'in the know' that can help you get
better.You are right you should be worrying about a girlfriend,school project or sports.So I want to
encourage you to ask somebody help you get better.A school counselor or even a family member
I wish you the very best in whatever you do.
Leukemia — Comprehensive overview covers symptoms, causes, risk factors, treatment of this blood-related cancer.
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